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Reality finally struck me today. It was quite a shock. I realized, as I was walking out of my final class for the week, that I am in college.

Before that very moment, I had felt entirely out of place. But then, as I strolled through the muggy Pacific Northwest air, listening to the drizzle on the trees, I understood that I was home. The smell of wet concrete was all I needed to feel grounded again. It was the trigger that put me back in the present. That, and I had my first real day of classes today.

Oh, by the way, I just finished my first week of school! How exciting is that?! I have already spent more time reading about Russia per minute in the last few days than I have sleeping! That being said, I have perhaps been staying up too late to get a decent night's sleep. But in any case, I feel like I am a real student again. And I'm more excited than I have been in a long time.

This is my life. It's no longer prep work for something greater. Well... I guess it is kind of prep work for something greater, but in reality, I no longer feel like I'm waiting for the great peak of my existence. I suppose I always understood that there isn't really a great peak to one's existence, but years of public schooling drill the fantasy into our minds that we have a purpose, a goal, to fulfill. That is and isn't true; we do all have our own goals, but there isn't one single event or product that defines each of us. We are every moment that we experience, and every experience is as important to our existence as the next one. Some might not change our lives as others do - like the epiphany I had this morning - but they certainly hold as much importance in that we were alive then.

I am in existence, and if you're reading this, then you are too. We are the lucky ones. We have opportunity. We have love. We have literature and music and history. We can enjoy the view of Mt. Rainier. We can eat prepared foods. We can live wherever the fuck we want (kind of). We can make our own decisions. We have choices! How truly incredible is that?! We get to choose what we do. Sure, some instinct is involved, but we have the intelligence to choose to be different or the same, to dance or not, fries or onion rings, and even to be or not to be. Our freedom is such that we can choose not to exist. And that's not to say we don't have to deal with the consequences, but that's just part of the whole process of living.

I am ready for these choices. I am ready to study, to work hard, to learn, to think, to grow, to mature, to become something, to be who I am, to be who I want to be. So, I'm going to go read about Russia and then study my cursive.

I'm going to leave you all with a short, cliche phrase I've only now fully understood: Carpe diem, ladies and gentlemen.


"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt."